


Watching Stars Without You

by Aquarius_Galaxy



Series: Leopika one shots [4]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:14:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27442501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aquarius_Galaxy/pseuds/Aquarius_Galaxy
Summary: A small collection of letters Kurapika wrote to Leorio but never sent.
Relationships: Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Series: Leopika one shots [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1985971
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	Watching Stars Without You

November 10  
Dearest Leorio,

I would say I hope this letter finds you well, but the truth is I know this letter will never find you at all. 

I’ve been protecting you at the expense of our friendship, and if how it hurts me is any indication of how it affects you, I offer my deepest and sincerest apologies. In all actuality, I had not come to the hunter exam with the intention of making friends for this very reason; however, you, Gon, and Killua managed to worm your ways into my heart— both a blessing and a curse.

I am too proud to ever admit this to you in any other form than a letter you’ll never read, but often times I find myself wanting to quit. I want to quit and instead go with Gon and Killua on their adventures, or help you make flash cards to study for your exam the following week. I want to quit and learn how to fish on Whale Island, I want to quit and see the world through fresh eyes not blinded by hatred and anger.

But my pride stands in the way, I can ashamedly admit to this paper that I wish more than anything was you. My mother used to tell me pride can stand a thousand trials, but the strong will never fall. My pride is stronger than any other part of me, even stronger than my resolve and rage. How I wish to be able to let go and move past things with the sunny optimism you drown in.

I hope that your studies continue to go well. Forgive me for intruding in on your life behind your back, but I often ask Senritsu how you’re doing since I can’t bring myself to ask. 

Knowing that you believe I only call you when I need something from you drives a knife into my heart much deeper than the one that is already there ever could. I suppose that’s because its true and I cannot even deny it. But what you don’t know and what I’ve never told a living soul is that its true only because I’ve failed you so greatly as a friend that I do not feel I have any right to call you unless I have a reason. I don’t have the right to want to know how you are, even though I still selfishly wonder. 

This life has gifted me with far too much rage and far too much pride. I hope the next life takes pity on me.

Maybe then we can have the relationship I yearn for.

Kurapika

————————————————————————————————————————————

December 19

Dearest Leorio,

I find myself observing all of the festivities that take place in the city around me this time of year and I can’t help but wonder if you take part in these traditions as well.

I can easily imagine you dragging me and the boys out to buy a ridiculous tree no matter how much I argue with you that an artificial one would be more convenient and logical. You’d blabber some nonsense about how a fake tree could not capture the essential spirit of the season and Gon would agree with you adamantly. Killua would agree only because Gon did and I’d be left following after you three, shaking my head but smiling nonetheless. 

The amount of chocolate Killua would inhale this time of year would be alarming, but no matter how many times you remind him of the health risks, he only eats more just to spite you.

I wouldn’t be able to keep track of how many times Gon had fallen from the roof of your apartment while try to hang the bright multicolored lights. 

I can practically hear your jazz renditions of Christmas songs reverberating around in my ears. 

Maybe someday this fantasy of mine will become a reality. I hope it does.

I hope this time of year goes well for you. A break from school is much needed; please take advantage of it Leorio.

Merry Christmas,  
Kurapika

————————————————————————————————————————  
January 1

Dearest Leorio,

Last night, I found myself floating through the most ridiculous party Neon Nostrade has ever thrown. 

She encouraged me to invite my own family, enjoy to the fullest extent the holiday that should have been my night off, but found me working unofficially. What surprised me was that when she said family, my own clan was not the first to come to mind.

It was you. 

I know that if I had called and asked you to come, you would have shown up in a heartbeat, regardless if you had previously committed to other plans that night. That was why I didn’t bother to ask. You deserve more than to hear from me once and not again for months, as we both know is what would have inevitably happened. 

But despite that, I can’t help but wish I had been selfish and asked you to come. 

I spent the entire night distracted, wondering what you were doing. Were you celebrating? Were you studying? Did you hear from Gon and Killua? Had your friend Zepile managed to drag you out of your apartment to join the festivities? Did you go willingly? Were you enjoying yourself at a party as boisterous as the one I myself had been at?

Did you kiss someone at midnight?

I found myself alone on the balcony at midnight as these questions plagued my mind and asked the stars if you were wondering the same things about me. 

Unyielding in their secrets, but more beautiful than I had ever seen them, the stars stared back at me in silence. It was the worst pain I could have endured.

Watching the stars without you, my soul cried, my heaving heart full of pain. Could you hear the sorrow it sang?

Happy New Year Leorio,  
Kurapika

———————————————————————————————————————————

February 10

How has it taken me this long to realize that I am hopelessly in love with you?

Every thought I have finds its way back to you. My dreams are filled with your face, your voice, your laughter—

Your love.

My heart cries out its broken lament in dreams where I can never reach you, but always see your smiling face looking back at me. I hear my mother’s voice telling me that she wishes nothing more for me than to find someone to share the same love that she had with my father and all I can think of is how I already have.

I’ve found you and I’ve loved you and I’ve denied you. 

How has it taken me this long to realize that the simultaneous elation and sorrow I feel in my heart when I ignore your calls is because I have a deep penitence for not answering, but an immense feeling of love and happiness because your call means that you still think of me?

My motivation for staying alive no longer rests in my clans redemption— I want to live beyond that. My motivation for living rests in you.

I want to come home to you.

I want to make your flash cards and see the world with you. I want to go buy a tree with you and complain endlessly but without any real anger behind it while I try to pick the pine needles out of the rug. I want to hang lights with you and wake up with you on Christmas morning to give gifts to the boys. I want to spend New Years Eve with you. 

I want to kiss you at midnight and a million times after that for the rest of our lives. 

I want all these things and so much more with you Leorio. I’m praying to a god that I’ve long forgotten that you want these things too, and I’m praying even harder that we get to do them. I’m praying that you gift to me forever. 

I will stay alive as long as I can to be able to come home to you Leorio. I will come home.

I promise.

Kurapika


End file.
